


Texts of Crack

by rowanashke



Category: The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Crack, Drunk Texting, Gen, Team Crackship, Texts From Last Night
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-04-15
Updated: 2014-04-15
Packaged: 2018-01-19 11:25:05
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,254
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1467730
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rowanashke/pseuds/rowanashke
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Just some utter crack I wrote in a burst of boredom. Might add more later, if I get the urge. Total and utter crack-tastic fun. Just a hint of Bruce/Ton, mention of Bruce/Loki and a mention of past Tony/Pepper so far, but no real pairings. Though there is sort of plots, I swear.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The Underwear Incident

**Author's Note:**

> Part one was previously posted under my account at ff.net, but I'm reposting here, since I've decided to only post here now. 
> 
> I don't own Marvel, or Iron Man, Thor and the Avengers would have been a lot more naked. Seriously.

_**To: Thor** _

_**From: Loki** _

Dearest not-brother, may I ask why there is a pair of your underwear huddled under my bed?

_**To: Loki** _

_**From: Thor** _

BROTHER! I have no idea as to what you are speaking of. I did not put my most private of clothing under your bed.

_**To: Thor** _

_**From: Loki** _

Well, person-who-is-not-in-any-way-related-to-me, these are definitely your 'most private of clothing'. They have your name embroidered in the waistband.

_**To: Loki** _

_**From: Steve** _

Loki, do you have ANY idea what Thor is asking us when he asks 'Who has been moving and/or repositioning my most secret of clothing items?'?

_**To: Fury** _

_**From: Natasha** _

Fury, Thor just asked me if I've been playing with his underwear. I think we need a vacation. NOW.

_**To: Natasha** _

_**From: Fury** _

Have you?

_**To: Tony** _

_**From: Loki** _

I am NOT amused. Thor is an idiot. There is salt all over my floor. Why did you tell him the evil elves were playing with his clothing? He's having nightmares. He's sleeping with YOU tonight.

_**To: Bruce** _

_**From: Thor** _

FRIEND YOU MUST BE CAREFUL! THE EVIL ELVES HAVE BEEN DRIVEN FROM MY ROOM BUT YOU ARE THE NEXT VICTIM! PLEASE GUARD YOUR MOST PRIVATE OF CLOTHING!

_**To: Fury** _

_**From: Bruce** _

VACATION. NOW. HULK DEMANDS A VACATION.

_**To: Bruce** _

_**From: Fury** _

No

_**To: Tony** _

_**From: Loki** _

If I catch you one more time trying to sneak in here and mess with Thor's underwear, I swear by the Antlers of Odin Gallowsfather I will string you up by your testicles for seven days and seven nights. You shall know pain and humiliation beyond your years. I'm not kidding, Stark.

_**To: Loki** _

_**From: Fury** _

Let him down, please. Natasha thinks it's hilarious but the boys are all walking funny and crying a little.

_**To: Fury** _

_**From: Loki** _

Make me.

_**To: Loki** _

_**From: Bruce** _

Loki, I'll give you anything you want if you just let Stark down. Clint's crying in the corner and Natasha won't stop making ball jokes. Please.

_**To: Bruce** _

_**From: Loki** _

Anything?

_**To: Loki** _

_**From: Bruce** _

Yes.

_**To: Fury** _

_**From: Clint** _

First Stark and his hanging. Now we have to listen to Loki and Bruce screaming their orgasms from every damn room in the Tower. VACATION. NOW. OR I START KILLING PEOPLE.

_**To: Loki** _

_**From: Fury** _

The bet was that you'd to get sex from Banner, make Clint cry, AND get a vacation, right?

_**To: Fury** _

_**From: Loki** _

Yes.

_**To: Loki** _

_**From: Fury** _

And hanging Tony by his balls?...

_**To: Fury** _

_**From: Loki** _

That was an extra treat.

_**To: Loki** _

_**From Fury** _

Well done. I'll have your 10$ tomorrow.


	2. Margarita Night

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tony thinks of a wonderful idea. It's all fun and games until...well, you'll see.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really am writing real, honest-to-god Avengers fanfiction. Eventually. Sherlock kind of had my brain for a bit, but it's coming. Enjoy this in the meantime, ok?

**_TO: Everyone_ **

**_From: Tony_ **

Margarita night! Team-building exercise in the main lounge room. Come as you are, it’s informal. I expect you all to gather about six. There will be munchies.

**_To: Fury_ **

**_From: Steve_ **

Inquiry: How much authority does Tony have over the Avengers group as a whole?

**_To: Tony_ **

**_From: Fury_ **

What’s this about a margarita night team building event?

**_To: Fury_ **

**_From: Tony_ **

Just as I said. Margarita night. Trying to get everyone a little silly and relaxed and just have some fun. Go with it.  You’re invited if you wanna come, of course.

**_To: Steve_ **

**_From: Fury_ **

The team-building event is a mandatory SHEILD event, soldier.

**_To: Fury_ **

**_From: Steve_ **

I hate you.

**_From: Fury_ **

**_To: Steve_ **

You wanna rephrase that?

**_To: Fury_ **

**_From: Steve_ **

I hate you. Sir.

**_To: Steve_ **

**_From: Fury_ **

Good boy.

**_To: Loki_ **

**_From: Tony_ **

It’s six-fifteen. Where are you, oh Mischeify one?

**_To: Tony_ **

**_From: Loki_ **

Buzz off. There is no way in Hel I’m attending an Avengers Team Building event.

**_To: Loki_ **

**_From: Steve_ **

Dude, your brother just took his pants off and swore he’d find you and spank you for your transgressions. Unless you want a half-naked blonde God of Thunder breaking down your door, I suggest you come down. Tony’s egging him on of course.

**_To: Maria_ **

**_From: Clint_ **

Here is the photograph you requested. I’ll try to get you the other one, but so far, Thor’s boxers are staying on.

**_To: Loki_ **

**_From: Thor_ **

BROTHER! I just wanted to say I luv you. Luv yoooou luv youluvluvluv

**_To: Loki_ **

**_From: Tony_ **

Last chance, Rudolph. Blonde Ambition’s raring to come get you.  I bet I can get him to take his boxers off before he heads up there.

**_To: Tony_ **

**_From: Loki_ **

I’ll be down in ten minutes. I hate you.

**_To: Loki_ **

**_From: Tony_ **

<3

**_To: Fury_ **

**_From: Natasha_ **

Are you coming? Thor’s naked, Loki’s on his lap, Clint’s singing karaoke and Tony’s making out with Bruce.

**_To: Natasha_ **

**_From: Fury_ **

I’m on my way.

**_To: Pepper_ **

**_From: Natasha_ **

Your boyfriend is playing tonsil-hockey with Bruce. Thought you’d find the picture good for the next time you need blackmail material

**_To: Natasha_ **

**_From: Pepper_ **

Oh, we’re on a break…but I do need material. Thanks. Forward me that naked pic of the surfer-god you sent Maria though, would you? She’s being mean.

**_To: Maria_ **

**_From: Fury_ **

OH MY GOD DO WE STILL HAVE THAT FLYING VIDEO CAMERA THING?

**_To: Fury_ **

**_From: Maria_ **

How drunk are you? Turn off your caps. And yes. Why?

**_To: Maria_ **

**_From: Fury_ **

I CAN’T IM REALLY DRUNK BUT SEND IT SEND IT RIGHT NOW TOP PRIORITY OMG

**_To: Thor_ **

**_From: Loki_ **

Person who calls himself my brother, why did I wake up in the shower this morning?

**_To: Loki_ **

**_From: Thor_ **

Brother, you wanted to sing in the rain. Tony said it was the same thing. I confess I do not understand it.

**_To: Steve_ **

**_From: Bruce_ **

Why am I so sore? What did I do last night? Please tell me it wasn’t sex with tony. Please please please?

**_To: Bruce_ **

**_From: Steve_ **

It was sex with Tony. Sorry. Not as sorry as I am, though. There is not enough eyebleach in the entire world to erase the wrong I had to watch last night.

**_To: Steve_ **

**_From: Natasha_ **

Did you post it?

**_To: Everyone_ **

**_From: Tony_ **

Hey everyone. Margarita night was a complete success. Jarvis will be finishing up the reconstruction tomorrow, so we can plan the next one for next week. Oh, and for the laugh of the day, please follow the link below.

**_To: Tony_ **

**_From: Loki_ **

YOU ARE A DEAD MORTAL. MAKE YOUR WILL YOU BASTARD. YOU HAVE FIVE MINUTES TO LIVE UNLESS YOU TAKE THAT VIDEO DOWN NOW.

**_To: Loki_ **

**_From: Fury_ **

A recording company just called and insisted they wanted to talk to you. Could you tell me what the hell is going on?

**_To: Thor_ **

**_From: Loki_ **

I AM GOING TO KILL YOU BROTHER

**_To: Loki_ **

**_From: Thor_ **

YOU CALLED ME BROTHER!!! :D :D :D :D :D :D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D

**_To: Thor_ **

**_From: Loki_ **

A parting gift before I TAKE YOUR LIFE

**_To: Loki_ **

**_From: Thor_ **

BROTHER! But it was not me who posted the moving picture of your beautiful singing. Tony is the man who knows much about science. Or perhaps Fury?

**_To: Tony_ **

**_From: Fury_ **

Why did Loki just shoot green lighting through my phone? What the hell did we do last night?

**_To: Fury_ **

**_From: JARVIS_ **

I regret to inform you that Master Stark cannot answer his phone at this time. He is busy running from Loki. Loki was last heard yelling something about removing all of Tony’s inner organs through his rear orifice.

**_To: Everyone_ **

**_From: Fury_ **

All future Avenger Team-Building nights involving alcohol are officially canceled forever. I’m serious.

 

 

 

 


End file.
